lessons from my first year as a mom

I wanted to write this around Tyler's first birthday but being sick, pregnant, and taking care of a 15 month old takes all of my energy. In the last few days I've sort of felt like doing some of my hobbies again so I'm taking advantage of that. I want to write a post about what I've learned in my first year of being a mom. Like everyone else, I want to share all my advice because I want to be so helpful. Too bad this idea just doesn't really work. Parents need to learn things on their own and the most helpful thing to me probably won't do any good for you but I'm writing it anyway because I want to.

1. Give up on life for the first few months of your child's life.
Seriously, don't feel bad if you haven't cleaned your house in a month, haven't showered in a few days, or your child may or not be wearing any clothes because they have pooped through all their onesies and you just can't handle the laundry right now. Give yourself a break! You probably haven't slept properly in months, you're trying to figure out nursing/how to feed your baby, how to shower when your child is crying themselves hoarse the second you put the shampoo in your hair etc. You just underwent nine months of growing a human being and hours and hours of labor not to mention possible c-sections, tearing or other complications. Most likely, no one is judging you but you. Your life WILL return to normal. I promise it really will sooner than you think. When we took Tyler to his 2 day hospital follow up doctor visit we set alarms to wake up at 7 AM so we could get to his appointment at 11:30. We did in fact take all 4 hours of that to get ready and we barely made it in time. I couldn't possibly imagine how I would ever get to his two week appointment by myself. Guess what, I made it! I was able to get him out and do things sooner than I thought. Those first few months you sort of feel like you will never do anything normal again but you will, so just do whatever it takes to get through those first months.
2. Stop reading parenting books
Put it down!! There is nothing in there that will magically get your child to sleep, nurse better, never cry, or make everything better. There are helpful things, it's fun to see what your child might be doing this week and they can be helpful for learning nutrition etc but overall they just don't fit your child. Nothing will. No one will know your child like you do. No, not even grandparents, sisters, best friends. What your baby needs is you. Sure a loving grandma might get your baby to sleep when you couldn't but they won't be able to do it all the time. You will know how your child likes to be held, what comforts them, what worked for the other person's child might not work for yours. Your child is a human being, trust me they come out with their own ideas about what they want to do in life. They sleep or they don't. They cry all the time or they don't. They nurse quickly or slowly or not at all. Books just make you feel like a failure when the technique doesn't work. We often think babies are these controllable little things but just like you and me they have emotions and no book is going to solve everything. Just like me writing this post probably won't be relevant to you because it's my experience not yours. 
3. Nurse! or Don't, it really won't make a difference in the long run
Have you ever seen a smart successful person and thought "Boy I bet they were breastfed! That was really the key to their development." I'm going to guess that you haven't, no one thinks about those things by the time your child has stopped nursing. Personally I chose to nurse but boy was it a tough road. The first month was like a circus freak show! I was sitting there with a nursing pillow, more pillows to support my back, a step stool to support my feet, totally topless, shooting milk across the room because I had a very forceful letdown with Brandon latching the baby and most likely crying. In the mean time Tyler was kicking like a bucking bronco, rooting around in the opposite direction, crying and snorting like a pig all at the same time. SERIOUSLY??? Who signed us up for this madness? If you can stick it out, it gets better. It took me about three months before I felt like I had it down and could maybe even nurse outside the house. You know those girls you see nursing their baby in public no problem? Just remember their babies are probably a lot older, they might have just gotten a good nurser or they have nursed before. My point is don't feel bad if nursing doesn't work. I think it's worth trying your hardest but don't ever let a book or pamphlet make you feel like if you don't nurse you're baby will have a host of problems and you're a failure.  No one will take into account breast feeding except for the study that's telling you how much better breast fed babies fare. If it works, you like it and want to do it GREAT, if it doesn't, meh who cares. Sure it's cheaper and sometimes easier and probably better for baby but it has its downsides too. My kid wouldn't ever take a bottle so I was 100% tied to him all the time for an entire year. No one could feed him but me until he finally got old enough to eat solids. I was uncomfortable nursing in public so I always ended up in a bathroom stall or missing out on conversations because I chose to go somewhere private to nurse. It's a very personal choice and honestly either way is fine.
4. Don't go in with a rigid mindset of what you plan for your child
You know those moms who breastfeed, only use organic cloth diapers, feed their baby homemade food, and are up in public like 3 days after they've had a baby? They are awesome, if that's important to you way to go! If that doesn't work out for you though, you're awesome too! If you have really set ideas that you are going to do all those things perfectly, chances are it won't work. Pick something that's really important to you, do that well and the other things just do whatever works. For me feeding healthy foods is my important thing. I made a lot of homemade baby food and I enjoyed doing it. That way I had something I was in control of and for everything else that didn't work out as planned I didn't have to feel bad about because I didn't have crazy high expectations. 
5. Don't accept the myth that you're body will never be the same after childbirth
It will be different, you should accept and love that body but it also doesn't have to "never be the same." It might take some work but that's ok. Don't exercise until you've recovered and healed (recovery takes way longer than 6 weeks, more like Months to a year) and worry more about being healthy than losing weight. The most important part about this is if you are having problems from child birth get help! As my sister in law said, "this is not your new normal" I had severe 4th degree tearing that was causing very serious problems for me. I sort of bought into the idea that everyone tells you that your body just isn't going to be the same but that is not the case for problems. After about 4 months I finally went in for help and it made a huge difference. I didn't really realize it because I just assumed this was my new body but I was in a ridiculous amount of pain. I couldn't bend my knees without it hurting, lift my baby without it hurting my shoulders and back, walk without pain, or stand up from a couch without it hurting. My body was in severe shock from having Hypermesis Gravidarum during my first trimester, extreme sickness for the entire nine months, not being able to exercise or eat well because I was too sick, gaining 50 pounds on my tiny 5'2" frame, a natural child birth and bad tearing. Long story short, my body was a total wreck and I didn't even really know it until I got help. I went to a women's specific physical therapist who helped me a ton. I left my first appointment in tears because she pretty much gave me a doomsday diagnosis wanting to see me twice a week for months. I think after she did some work and I realized that what was happening to me was not normal I made a ton of progress and only needed to be seen a couple of times a month. I didn't know women's specific physical therapists existed. There aren't that many but they work wonders! It's super invasive and totally awkward but they can help with anything from incontinence issues to getting in shape to just making your you know what feel better (sorry TMI).  My sister told me several times to go get help but I think I was sort of in denial. I didn't want to be having problems and I just wanted to accept the your body will never be the same mentality. Once I got help I realized I could exercise again and enjoy it. I could lose weight and get healthy again and it was amazing! Before I got pregnant again when Tyler was about 9 months old I had lost almost all 50 pounds, I was feeling healthy and strong. Honestly I was sort of stronger than before I got pregnant because I actually had to work for it. In summary, love those stretch marks, love that pouch you just can't quite get rid of, be proud of what you did but you also don't have to accept pain, weakness or other problems. Your body can actually be pretty much the same as it was before child birth with time and some effort.
6. Invest in some sort of baby gear that is important to you
I got a lot of hand me down baby gear. This was awesome because it saved us a ton of money and babies don't use a lot of things for more than a few months so it is silly to buy things brand new when you can easily get gently used. However it will really help your sanity if you buy some clothes or decorations or something for baby that you really love. My big purchase was my stroller. I'm so happy I bought it. I love going on walks and we go out daily no matter the weather. It's nice to buy something you really want that you're going to use a lot and then don't be afraid to accept hand me downs for things you don't care as much about
7. Don't be afraid to ask for help but also trust your instincts
We all need help, its ok to ask. Don't forget though that you've got this! You know what you're doing. It might not be the right way for someone else, but it is for you and your family. Don't look at what everyone else is doing and think you're not doing things right because you are. If its right for you and your family then you're doing things the "right" way. In fact there is no "right" way, don't bother looking for it.
8. Don't worry about the "studies show" articles
When I got pregnant I started reading a pregnancy book and some online forums like baby center. They all say that women who eat healthy and exercise during pregnancy have healthier babies. If you eat junk food you're predisposing your baby to heart disease, diabetes, they're more likely to want unhealthy foods blah blah blah. So I believed them, I ate healthy for a week. Then I started barfing, 3-20 times a day. I couldn't eat anything much less a healthy meal. Have you ever thrown up vegetables or whole wheat bread??? Its HORRIBLE. My experience with hypermesis gravidarum and pregnancy sickness is a post for another day but lets just say I was unable to do anything healthy. I think by my third trimester I could eat some fruit in the form of a smoothie. I couldn't exercise because I'd throw up. I couldn't eat healthy foods because I'd throw up. I couldn't stay hydrated because if I drank anything that wasn't exactly what I needed that day I'd throw up. I could barely eat junk food without throwing up. I'm not exaggerating when I say I built my son on dehydration, mashed potatoes, chicken nuggets, diet coke, dr. pepper, macaroni and cheese, canned chicken noodle soup, frozen entrees, and nacho cheese and I barfed most of that up so he was pretty much built on nothing. I went from one extreme to the other with weight loss and then excessive weight gain. I had a horrible pregnancy and a pretty bad birth with lots of long term problems. Guess what, my baby is healthy as can be, he eats great and loves healthy foods. He doesn't like sweets more than any other baby out there. Just because they did a study doesn't really mean that's how your child's life is going to be. You are the one in control, not a study. This pregnancy has been liberating because I'm still too sick to eat well but I don't care. I don't have to stress myself out about all the  so called damage I'm doing my child. The ideal thing doesn't work for me because I just have really bad pregnancies so I'm doing what does. I am not defined by a study and neither is my child. This goes for breastfeeding, leaving your baby in a swing for too long, letting them have a Binky, holding them too much, holding them too little and any other study they want to throw your way. Stop worrying about it and do what works for you. I maintain that if my grandmother could raise three healthy children feeding them canned milk with a tablespoon of Karo syrup mixed in, then your kids are going to turn out just fine!

I think that's all I've got. Sorry that was a long post. Hope this helps someone. I think my number one summary lesson is no one is watching you, you get to do what you want. You're the parent, and a dang good one at that. Whatever you're doing to get through the day is what's working for you so stick to it!